What's Left of Me, With Interior Designer & Mother of a Neurodivergent Child, Kate Eckstein

In this week's episode, I sit down with Kate Eckstein, of Kate Eckstein Design. Kate left the corporate world to realize her dream of owning her own interior design business. When she began her company, she had become the mother of two small children, she was married and believed herself to be living a fully authentic life. Yet when Kate discovered that the woman she was presenting to the world was not her true self, she also had to acknowledge she was not her true self in her marriage. Kate talks about the shedding that happens in divorce and the pain of what is lost, even if authenticity is found.

Like me, Kate is the mother of a neurodivergent child. We talk about our perfectionistic personalities and how they bleed into motherhood. We talk about how we find ourselves “chasing our child’s brain” because our sons' needs are so great, and we think that there is always more we could be doing to help these little humans feel successful in their lives. Spoiler alert: we are human and just doing our best.

Kate just keeps reminding us over and over that there is so much letting go that is constantly taking place to grow: “By letting the perfect that I thought I needed go, it allowed me to be at peace with who I am with what’s left.”

Some highlights in this Episode from Kate:

“You want to say, ‘Oh, I won’t lose anything because I’m real now’, but you will lose all kinds of stuff and it hurts. And you wonder, well, maybe that other person was better than the real me because maybe that's why I created that person in the first place. But after all I’ve gone through, that now that I am on the other side, I can say, oh… the people who are still here right now, they know what’s on the inside. And they love it.”

"And I think, certainly going through the divorce, I lost that exact thing.  And it's very interesting to be fully supported and loved by a partner, but have them not be able to take on that anxiety, or compassion. I guess it is like, they don't need to, and they aren't. They can't have the same level of feeling towards your kid."

"Starting a whole new life, when you're a fully fledged adult is complicated. I was married for 13 years, we just sort of grew up together. And now... new relationship, new family members, new home, new job—it's like learning all of this stuff over again. So there's a huge learning curve in terms of that blending of people, and who you want to be in that mix."

Don't Miss a Beat.
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Website for Kate Eckstein Design:
http://www.kateecksteindesign.com/

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https://www.instagram.com/kateecksteindesign/

Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/

Transcript

Unknown: 0:06

perfect perfect

Tara Beckett: 0:33

Hi, I'm Tara Beckett and I'm so glad you're back to let perfect burn. Today I sit down with Kate Eckstein of Kate Eckstein design. Kate owns her own interior design business, which she started after she left the corporate world. Kate was running her business and raising two small boys. When she discovered that the woman she was presenting to the world was not her true self. Then she had to acknowledge she was not her true self in her marriage. Kate talks to us about the shedding that happens in divorce, and the pain of what is lost. Even if authenticity is found. Like me, Kate is the mother of a neurodivergent child. We talk about our perfectionistic personalities and how they bleed into motherhood. We talked about how we find ourselves chasing our child's brain because our son's needs are so great. Kate just keeps reminding us over and over that there is so much letting go that is constantly taking place to grow. She says by letting the perfect that I thought I needed go it allowed me to be at peace with who I am with what's left I'm here today with Kate Eckstein have K Eckstein design, right.

Kate Eckstein: 2:10

That's right. Hello, yeah.

Tara Beckett: 2:13

You know, interior designer owning her own business supermom one of my dear friends. And Kay, I have to tell you, you were my point person. When I first became a mom, I still remember that you taught me how to change a boy's diaper.

Kate Eckstein: 2:31

That's a valuable life skill right there.

Tara Beckett: 2:34

And we were in my husband's office. And you know, new parents were wild eyed and had no idea what we were doing. And you're like, Okay, I'm gonna teach you how to change a diaper without getting. And exactly. Again, I have to say, um, I can count on one hand how many times I got peed on. So and I have two boys. So thank you so much.

Kate Eckstein: 2:57

Yeah, you're welcome. I am so happy to spread that knowledge. And, you know, it's like you need those people who are ready to just tell you the stuff that no one else is going to tell you.

Tara Beckett: 3:08

Yes, yes. And Kate was also the mom, who, when I was in the throes of postpartum depression, and having a newborn, I would call Kate or I would email Kay. And I would just be so convinced that this was my life forever, it would never get any better. I would never feel more confident as a mom, I would never know what I was doing. I would never sleep again. And Kate was this voice who had made it to the other side. And would promise me like, Tara, just hang in there, it gets better.

Kate Eckstein: 3:43

It does. And you know what's funny, like you can't see it when it's you. You just can't. And I think now that I've gone through a divorce and like having stepchildren and like all of these other huge things. I need someone to tell me that. So it's, you know, we'll just trade places sometimes.

Tara Beckett: 3:59

Exactly. So, you know, in speaking about, like, you know, what's happened in your life recently? Can you speak to the process of your divorce? And, you know, was that a breaking point or a turning point for you?

Kate Eckstein: 4:12

Yes, it was, it was pretty much me cracking open all of the things that I thought I had, that I knew about myself. It was the things that I had set up to be the me that people saw, you know, like the I was, I was always having dinner parties. And I had my kids. You know, I walked into school in the morning and I also ran a business and I was doing so many things at such a high level. And then I broke and for me, the breaking point was when I realized that I was faking in my marriage where I thought I was being real. And when I began to realize that I had to be honest with myself about that. I became honest with myself about everything. And it was definitely a turning point for me as a person. It was definitely the messiest I've ever let myself get both in my own eyes and in the eyes of the world, like, I fell apart. And what I've realized is, it's totally fine to fall apart. And it's totally Oh girl to fall apart. You know, you didn't want to fall apart. And that sounds so dumb to say out loud, because, of course, people have to go through shit. But I needed to learn firsthand that it is good to be messy.

Tara Beckett: 5:31

Oh, yes. And also really hard and really painful. Oh,

Kate Eckstein: 5:36

yes, Grace, Tara. And like, you lose, you lose a lot. When you're real, you know, you lose, I lost at least one very close friend. Because all of a sudden, I was like, This is me right now. And she wasn't cool with it. And that hurt. Because there were people who were in my life because of the person I was portraying. And those people fall away when you shed that. And that hurts socks.

Tara Beckett: 6:05

Yeah. And that feels extremely vulnerable to me to be honest of saying, you know, being okay with what gets shed, honestly. Yeah. I feel like I can, you know, understand that to an extent of just, what will I lose? If I'm authentic?

Kate Eckstein: 6:23

Yes. And the fact is, there's a long list, like you want to say, Oh, I won't lose anything, because like, I'm real, did it, but you will you lose all kinds of stuff, and it hurts. And you wonder, well, maybe that other person was better than the real me because like, maybe that's why I sort of created that person in the first place, you know, but it's not, it's definitely not. And now, I mean, it took me years of having children and learning that I'm not in charge over and over again, and getting divorced. And all these things that I've gone through now that I'm on the other side, I can say, oh, like the people who are still here right now. They know what's on the inside. And they are they love it.

Tara Beckett: 7:24

Speaking to just your professional life as this was all happening, when I met you, you are still in corporate America. So can you can you walk us through what that journey has been? And how it relates to what you're talking about?

Kate Eckstein: 7:37

Yeah, that's really interesting. Because first, I would say even now, I'm really good at putting on a mask at work. And I think, in many ways, that's okay. Because it has helped me be extremely productive, even during times when my brain was falling apart, and my heart was falling apart. You know, I could still get stuff done. But so yes, I was in corporate America, working for a consulting firm. And my youngest was two. And that was about when I started feeling like, oh, this is terrible to travel all the time and not be able to pick him up from daycare when he's sick. Or, you know, it was just the travel, it was a lot. And I was working in the evenings after he went to bed. And it was just this constant, like, I'm always committed to someone else. Other than him, and other than my other son. And so I kind of said, I would love to stop traveling. I am not someone who can not have a job, like my brain is definitely I need to be focused, I need a goal. Interior Design was something that I always loved. But I never I, I almost went to architecture school, I almost did a design program that each time I sort of talked my way out of it, for you know, the more solid career that was going to make a paycheck right away and was nine to five, and you know, all those things were good for a while. And then I finally felt free enough and comfortable enough being a parent and being a person that I was like, I think I can do this. And I'm gonna just go out on my own. So I left the corporate world and everyone gave me their blessings. It was not a no, a terrible breakup. It was just like, great, go follow your heart, see if you can do this crazy thing. And in retrospect, it happened really quickly. But all of a sudden, I felt like oh my gosh, I'm really doing this. And it just kept ballooning. And now I feel like I'm truly running a successful company. I have other awesome women working with me. And for me, I have clients who recommend me to their friends, and you know, I've, I've built it and it's there.

Tara Beckett: 9:48

That's awesome. And now that you're in quotes there, right, like, what are the challenges in this particular moment, right? Oh, yeah, I just don't feel like life is As ever this like, mountain top and we get there and right, we've arrived, right like right

Kate Eckstein: 10:06

now it's true. It's easier to talk about it like that though, isn't it? Yes. Let's just beautify this journey a little bit. Yes, I definitely have challenges now. And my challenges now are related to growing the business and like, what does it mean to be successful to me? And what are my goals for that business? Like, alright, you did it. Great. Now, do you want to have a team? Do you want to be doing multimillion dollar projects? Do you want to be in a magazine? Do you want to be on HGTV? Like, all of these directions, have different work that needs to be done? And I definitely struggle with figuring out which one I want to do on a given day? And what kind of work I should be putting in? And am I good enough? And do I have enough time to like commit to the things I'll need to commit to in order to achieve that? And then of course, being a mom, there's also that like, really big question, which is, am I finding the right balance between work and home? And that's when I don't think I'll ever win?

Tara Beckett: 11:14

Figure that out? No, I don't think so. either. I think it's a daily for me, it's a daily, what what's the barometer look like today? You know, total, and you know, you win some you lose some. And it's, I think it's the self compassion to just be like, I did my best. Yeah. But I think as a mom, it's really hard to think I did my best, right?

Kate Eckstein: 11:35

I was just gonna say, I'm really bad at that as on the personal side. On the professional side, I've gotten better at saying like, okay, you know what, you didn't get that, that presentation out to the client the exact day you said you would, you know, this is interior design, this is not brain surgery, clients are going to be fine. People love you like it's okay. It's much harder to say that to yourself as a parent.

Tara Beckett: 12:03

Circling back a little bit to the transformation in divorce. What challenges do you have now you were saying stepchildren as well as your own two children? Can you speak to that a bit?

Kate Eckstein: 12:15

Yeah. I mean, starting a whole new life, when you're a fully fledged adult is complicated. It's like, you know, I was married for 13 years, we just sort of grew up together. And now new relationship, new family members, new home, new job, it's like learning all of this stuff over again. So there's a huge learning curve in terms of that blending of people, and who you want to be in that mix.

Tara Beckett: 12:51

So another thing that Kate and I have really bonded over the past few years, is raising neurodivergent children. And what that means as a mother, and Kate, I'm just really floored by one time that we talked and you would just had a session with your therapist, could you share that story? Because I really think it brings home, sometimes how we feel,

Kate Eckstein: 13:16

I don't remember which one. It was, I'm so glad it was life changing.

Tara Beckett: 13:22

You were just saying about how sometimes you can feel like you're talking to your therapist about how sometimes you could just feel like you're running your wheels, right? Like you're doing all this work to help your child and then you the winds are so small, or they seem so small sometimes,

Kate Eckstein: 13:36

yes. And she reminded me of something really important, which is not just to judge where you are now, against the rest of the world. It's more like where you are now versus where you would be if you hadn't done the work. So specifically, she was talking about my son with ADHD and anxiety. And he's 11 years old. He's trying to navigate Middle School, he's, let's say not winning at the social stuff right now. And it's hard to watch. It's hard to watch. And it's hard to parent because I'm different than he is. And I can't always relate to the way that he feels in a certain situation. And I was kind of saying to her like, I feel like we're we've been working so hard. And we're still at a place where it's not. It's not working like there's no improvement. I don't see change. I don't see success. And she said don't worry about seeing success, you know, on a scale that you're the scale that you're looking for it on is too big. Think about if you hadn't spent the last 11 years caring for him in the way that you have. Where would he be right now? He'd be a mess. Like the skills that he does have you gave those to him and the things that he has learned. You helped him with that. So sort of giving yourself a little bit more Pat's on the back to say, not only is this really hard, but you're probably doing a better job than you think you are.

Tara Beckett: 15:06

Yes, yes. And I just I think you can relate to this, but just how you're saying, you know, life for us isn't about reaching that top of the mountain, right? We figure it all out, and we just stay up high. But I can feel like I do that with my son is just being like, Oh, look, we got all the things in place, and you're having a really good stretch. And then I just think now I can just go drink a margarita, right? Like there's nothing left to do here. And understanding that even in these little bodies, there's going to be these ebbs and flows, there's going to be these highs and lows, like they are humans, they are not something to be solved. And I think I can feel like I sometimes can view him that way of let me just get all the puzzle pieces right for you.

Kate Eckstein: 15:52

Totally this and it's like, okay, can I figure this out? Can I figure you out? And, of course, there's no answer to that. But of course, every day, that's what we wake up trying to do. Yeah, I'm trying to, like, name these things and fix these things in Google these things, when it's just a messy mess of a person just like we are.

Tara Beckett: 16:14

Yeah. And I was gonna say, you know, kids are complicated in and of themselves, right? They're trying to find their identity, they're trying to navigate social situations and learning. And, you know, I just feel like there's this extra layer within neurodivergent child that, you know, just, you know, having to check in more often with schools and doctors and medication, you know, all these things. But also, I don't know if you have this as well, but I just feel like my heart feels a little heavier when he's in that struggling place. Right?

Kate Eckstein: 16:47

Oh, 100%. Yeah. And I find that I take on, I have anxiety about how he'll act in a certain situation, which is not even the like, you know, what am I going to do? Or how can I help him just like, I'm stressed that he's who he is, and then really feels bad as a parent.

Tara Beckett: 17:11

Yes. And watching the struggle and knowing your job is just to support right, there's yeah, there's no fix. There's no, it's watching it, you know, watching them navigate? Even though it's really hard.

Kate Eckstein: 17:29

Yeah. And watching him make the same, especially for him the same social mistakes over and over again, like, and I can tell him a million times, like, Did you realize that that hurt someone's feelings? Or do you realize that that sentence, make someone else feel bad? Or, you know, whatever it is? And honestly, sometimes I don't think he does. And that is a huge difference with a neurodivergent child, like, for a quote unquote, normal kid parent relationship, you would remind them, hey, that hurt someone's feelings. And the kid might say, Oh, I'm sorry. Or like, I didn't mean that, or whatever. But for some reason, Owens brain hears those words from me differently, and cannot fix it in a way that feels age appropriate. And it stinks to watch that. And then you'll begin to wonder, I begin to wonder, Am I saying the wrong things? Like, am I not giving him the right cues? Am I not giving him the right information? But the fact is, his brain works differently, period. And I can't change it no matter how hard I try.

Tara Beckett: 18:45

I do think like hitting on, like you said, that social pressure, and what I'm trying to be better at as well as even in family members situations, or, you know, close friends situations where people are aware of some of those things, it can feel like I'm being judged as a mom, right? Oh,

Kate Eckstein: 19:06

100%. Yes. And I, especially in my blended family situation right now. You know, in my previous life, we had 11 years to get used to the tough stuff about a woman and the things that sort of just became, oh, well, that's the way he handles the situation. And what I realized in being in a family with new people is that some of these things are not okay. And some of them are not going to be okay with people who are not, who have not been with him since he was born. And it's helpful. It's so helpful for me to be in, you know, a safe space where people do care about him, but they're also able to say, no, like, you can't act like that. And a way like with me, you know, right. I don't know, the blended family I think makes that even another level because Is there are people who are family? And still they, they know, they don't feel what I feel when Oh, when is in the room? Right?

Tara Beckett: 20:09

And it's good and bad? Yes. And I, I just know that a mother, you know, I feel as a mother, my connection with him is so intimate that the rough patches, I still have that piece of me that he's my little boy. Right. And there's like a compassion there that I think sometimes the outsider I know, the outside world isn't privy to.

Kate Eckstein: 20:41

Yes, totally. I feel that. And I definitely have had moments where it feels like, am I the only one in the world? Who thinks there is still good in this little person? And sometimes I think the answer to that is yes. Which is a lot of weight, you know, it's a lot of weight to carry. And it's a, it's a job that sometimes I wish I didn't have to do be the only one advocating for a, you know, someone who's not acting like they deserve it.

Tara Beckett: 21:13

Right. Right. And, you know, Kate, it's also friends with my husband, which is nice, because we have that like dual support in you. And I just feel like having, you know, my husband turned towards me and share some of the load that comes from trying to support these little humans. That means the world to me like that can make the difference between a totally terrible day and a day I can get through, right? It's just having somebody look up and say, Woof, I feel Yeah, hang in there. Right.

Kate Eckstein: 21:51

Yup. And to say some of this is on me, too, because I'm also a parent of this person. And I think, I think certainly going through the divorce, I lost that exact thing. Yes. Yeah. And it's very interesting to be, like, fully supported and loved by a partner, but have them not be able to take on that. I don't know anxiety or, or compassion. I guess it is like, they don't need to, and they aren't. They can't have the same level of feeling towards your kid.

Tara Beckett: 22:32

Yep. Yep. That feels messy.

Kate Eckstein: 22:37

Yeah, it is. And it does, it just goes back to that, like very intimate mom relationship, like, regardless of who your partner is, you take a lot of that on. And I don't know when that ends, you know, Owens in middle school. Now, there are definitely a lot of times recently where I feel like, oh, you know what he really is like, going off and he's growing up. And he's doing things with friends that don't involve me, and this is great progress. But I don't know when I'll be able to let go of that stuff. Ya know what age that is?

Tara Beckett: 23:10

I think that's never a cordapp I think my mother Yeah, she's like, you know, might when my baby is 40 it's still like, you're three, you know, it's just yeah, keep worrying. I just think that we you know, we have this forever lifeline to them. Which is good and also terrifying.

Kate Eckstein: 23:29

Yes.

Tara Beckett: 23:45

I picked up on you saying, you know, that sometimes you'll share the anxiety with your child as they're having that anxious wave. I'm the other end of the spectrum. I feel like depression comes matches his waves. And I am just wondering if you've figured out anything that can help you navigate the ways the waves in a more healthy or a healthier way? Because that is my struggle is like how do I not let myself get carried into it? For my own health, but also so that I can support this child and I have yet figured that out yet.

Kate Eckstein: 24:26

You know, I was just gonna say wine is really my only coping mechanism that's doesn't fall into the healthy category. No, it's a really great question. Because obviously, you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kid. But a lot of times, it's too much. It's too much because it's too much for them and it's too much for us and then who's left? And I don't have a magical answer for that except to say, I tried to talk with Oh in about the that feeling as much as I can, like you are, you may be feeling anxious, because I'm feeling anxious. And here's what I'm worried about, I'm worried about you hurting relationships with your family members, and I'm worried about you, not knowing how to act with your friends when I'm not around, and I'm, you know, I, if I can voice some of those worries to him, not that I worry that he's never going to get better, but more like, I'm worried because I need to know from you that you're also thinking about this, because he's old enough to like, take a lead in helping himself, right. And he doesn't always know, he doesn't really ever know how and so that those conversations do help me feel like, okay, I can take off a little bit of this, because I need to say to him, you're 11, you're gonna need to figure out how to do this on your own. And that's something I didn't have when he was three, you know, you don't have a three year old that they need to take this on and figure it out. But I do think it's healthy for both of us, if I begin to shift some of that back to him to say like, you do need to work on this, and I'm here and I love you, and I'll support you, but it's not my problem to solve.

Tara Beckett: 26:12

Right. I think that's awesome. And I'm not quite there yet. And I think something that can be really challenging both as these children are young, but also just with some of their challenges that they have is the lack of insight can make growth really hard, because, you know, like we are in therapy, both of us. And we have this ability to kind of look forward and backward and process. But I think sometimes it's really missing for these kiddos of having that level of insight.

Kate Eckstein: 26:47

Yes, I have got this really great workbook that my therapist recommended for me to do with Owen. And it was a little bit childish, but it was an exercise of like, every night when I had that quiet time with him before bed, we would read a couple of the pages, which were mostly about like skills that kids with ADHD tend to lack. Like the ability to wait or to be patient or to not interrupt or you know, whatever, we'd read sort of a little story about someone who was struggling with it, then there were a couple of questions that were like a worksheet about like, how, how does it look when I do this? And what can I do when I feel like this. And then I would kind of close it out with a conversation of like, everyone struggles with this, right? Like you are not alone. But it may be harder for you than it is for other people, which is why I'm trying to give you a little extra help

Tara Beckett: 27:48

like you said, that night time time, I just feel like that is the most precious time that I have with my child because I can feel like I'm chasing his brain all day long between, you know, working with counseling and working with his teacher and working with a doctor and working you know, all these things that are, you know, a very support, but you know, even a workbook or just the fact that we're quiet together. I feel like I love when it all stands still because it doesn't stand still often.

Kate Eckstein: 28:19

Yep. Amen, sister.

Tara Beckett: 28:23

So yeah, do you remember what that workbook was called?

Kate Eckstein: 28:26

Yes, it is a it's a dialectical therapy workbook. And I think it was called something generic, like dialectical therapy for adolescents or for children. And, you know, it was on Amazon, I have a whole shelf full of books and workbooks and things that I've bought throughout the years that either have been read and just weren't that helpful or haven't even been read because I haven't had the time. I don't know that there's a book out there that's gonna solve this, you know, but I do keep feeling like maybe someone else's words can help get this across to him in a different way than I've tried so far. And I don't know. I mean, I did, like you said, chasing his brain. That's such a good expression. Like, I definitely feel like I'm, I'm chasing the, what can I do about this? You know, this question. I'm a very solution oriented person. Okay, here's the problem. Let's fix it. And the thing that I have to remind myself over and over again, is this isn't something that can just be fixed. This is an ongoing conversation with a person who doesn't think about things the way that I do. Mm hmm. And it's hard.

Tara Beckett: 29:36

Yes. Yes, and I yeah, I mean, I just feel like the books is just it's it's kind of giving me a little bit of like a shake in my belly just because like, I think I've read them all, you know, yeah, it's just seeking, seeking like, like you said, the key to the castle. I think I'm turning hang my head, or I'm trying to turn my head around is like, what if I just looked for a support group for kids like this? Only because I'm like, like you said, maybe there's nothing to really muscle about this. And I wonder if just sitting with parents like you who just know what I'm talking about? Yeah. And I haven't found it yet, but it just feels like what if we shift gears here?

Kate Eckstein: 30:24

Right? I definitely think I'm sure they exist. I, it that's interesting that you say that, because that takes me back to like, when I was dealing with infertility and trouble having children, like I joined, you know, there were all these online groups, and we bared our souls to each other. And we knew what day and the cycle this person was on. And like, did we just walked next to each other through that journey? And in that way, it was easier to say, I'm not trying to fix this, because it was like a medical problem. You know, it's a, it's for me, somehow, that was much easier for me to let go and say, This is really hard, but it's out of my control. And like, yes, let's share with other people who are going through this, but I didn't expect those people to figure out my problem. And I think that could be very useful for people who are just walking through this, like there is there is no answer. But it is nice to have someone there who is just like, yeah, yeah, and you know what? You did the best you could? Yeah, good. Yes.

Tara Beckett: 31:28

I just want it like tattooed on my forehead. Probably backwards, so that I can read it here. But just to be like, you're doing your best, you know, like your best. You know, I think it like you said, my best can feel like absolute shit, right? Yes, I am failing you, child, even though I know that is so not true. Like I am giving him 100% of me. And because I'm a human. That's not going to be perfect. But you know, there's just not any more I could give. And yet there's just this like, really self critical voice that I hear a lot in my head.

Kate Eckstein: 32:06

Yes. And yeah, I mean, like you said before, it's, we I definitely feel judged as a mother, which is a very unfair thing to put on yourself, right? Like, this is a person who has his own mind. The fact that you act a certain way is not actually a reflection on you, the mother, but man, does it feel like it and I can't seem to let that one go. Not Your call is the message.

Tara Beckett: 32:33

Right? And I'm just thinking of two, I feel like part of our job in this strange way, whether it's, you know, the schools or, you know, after school activities or friends, I always feel like I'm in education mode of how to communicate the event that's unfolding, and how to talk to him so that he can regulate. And you know, so I think there's also I always feel like I'm in teaching mode. I don't know if you have that as well.

Kate Eckstein: 33:06

Yes, definitely. Because I feel like I'm always trying to not excuse but put context around why he is how he is or why he did what he did. And certainly, like in elementary school, you I got the phone call or the pink slip to sign of like, you know, they go in hit someone or like, oh, you know, every single thing that happened, it would be like, Okay, I hear you, I see this, tell me what happened so that I can understand what actually happened, because it's not going to be the way that you told it

Tara Beckett: 33:51

I'm always like, how do I keep this book open about you know, if he's a book like that is my worst fear is that if he starts shutting down, then I have no access right to his brain. So I'm using this like, I want to teach, you know, the social skills and these life skills and also I'm like, I gotta keep you in a place where you feel like you can keep talking to me which maybe dies in teenager but I don't know, I was just gonna

Kate Eckstein: 34:17

say puberty at the end of that I'm on the verge of of the that study down and it has nothing to do with my parenting. It's a natural progression. But yeah, like we lose that and and then have We given them enough you know, to do it themselves and we won't know until it happens.

Tara Beckett: 34:38

Yep, yep. And fly little bird and hope we did our best. Yes, and you know, I also feel like you know, as you spoke about just a little bit ago, but that I don't know I have this idea sometimes that because I also went through miscarriages and infertility. And then ultimately IVF that sometimes I can just feel like, wow, I was struggling then shouldn't I get a pass?

Kate Eckstein: 35:12

Yes, yes, there should be some sort of exchange that you get the perfect baby after you've waited forever. I don't know who those perfect babies are. And I don't know who they're going. Fortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Tara Beckett: 35:31

Yes. So what we did you know, there isn't a perfect human out there. But I do think if I, if I could tell some of the people who don't know my child is intimately. I would love to just stay to them. He's so creative. He's so soft and loving. And he's so for you beautiful and sweet at times. And what you're seeing now is not indicative of his whole being right. And that's the thing I wish I could just like scream from the rooftops in those moments where he's just struggling. And it doesn't feel like they're really seeing him.

Kate Eckstein: 36:15

Yes, actually, that is something I've been very explicit with Owen about recently. I will say, look, I love you, I love you, no matter what I love everything about you, even when you do the wrong thing, you know, whatever. But other people in the world do not have to, and they're not going to unless they see the great person who is inside of you. And if all they see is the inappropriate jokes and the rude comments, they're going to think that's all there is. And I it is really different now that he's older. I do feel a bit of that, like, I feel less responsible for sharing that part of him because he is beginning to be able to share it himself.

Tara Beckett: 37:00

Good. That's awesome. Yeah. Because that's that's all I mean, for me, that's all I want, right? It's like, yeah, I just want you I would love to have people be able to access the things I can access.

Kate Eckstein: 37:14

That's exactly it. That's such a great way to put it. Like, I know what awesomeness is inside there. But he makes it really hard for other people to see it and appreciate it. Okay,

Tara Beckett: 37:36

this has been fun. To close this out. I would just love to know, you know, what letting perfect burn is for you.

Kate Eckstein: 37:45

Woof letting burn. This is big. Yeah, I think letting perfect burn is for me this image of what I have left behind, like, like we started out talking about on the show, like the things that I have shed, those are the things that I have let burn. And I have let them burn away. I have let them disappear. You know, sometimes they still come back up, but letting the the perfect that I thought I needed to be go allows me to be at peace with who I am with what's left. You know, like, you've let things go. And it's just this, this feeling that what's left is the right thing.

Tara Beckett: 38:32

I love that. And I think as you're speaking I'm like oh, I might have to do this again and again. Like 14 shedding Yeah. Taking stock and shedding you know

Kate Eckstein: 38:47

Yeah, I think that's it and I think that's it is it's letting the perfect burn. Again and again and again in a million different ways.

Tara Beckett: 38:55

Mm hmm. Oh, girl. That's a that's a recording session. Right? Well, okay, it's been so awesome to be able to speak with you and have you speak to so many things that I also carry in my heart. So thank you, lady. It's been

Kate Eckstein: 39:14

Yes, thank you and I'm really excited about the things that you're talking about and like putting out there because it's really important and we all need to hear it no matter how where we are in our lives.

Tara Beckett: 39:26

Yes girl thank you so much I'm I'm also just really fulfilled lately of just really hitting on a moment in time that I go Yeah, I want to get up in the morning and do this. Which then really absent for many years so yeah, let's let's just keep waking up at least ready to ready to give the day the best you know?

Kate Eckstein: 39:48

Yes, do the best you can let that perfect burn.

Tara Beckett: 39:52

Thanks, girl. It's been I have you bye