Light from the Bottom, With Writer, Producer and Founder of Sober Sallys, Alex Highsmith

In this episode, I sit down with the insanely brave, Alex Highsmith. She is a writer, producer and company member of Don, Pat & Tom, a multimedia company.  Inspired by her own sobriety journey, she is also the founder of Sober Sallys, a support group created during the pandemic for sober women experiencing extreme isolation.

Alex was an actor in college, and because she was easily finding success, she had a lot of time on her hands to drink and socialize. Right out of school, she was cast in a national tour, and once again, Alex found herself protected. When the bubble burst and she was shot out into the world, Alex drank to mask her terror. Her drinking lead to Adderall, then cocaine and then meth.

Alex is part of a 12 Step Program and she takes us through what rock bottom looked like in her world. She talks about the challenges of staying sober and how little pieces of light in her life are her lifeline.

In this new phase of her life, Alex is able to support others, she has a loving partner and an adorably cute pup. She has a steady job she enjoys. She can look her mother in the face and she can sleep at night because she does not have to keep track of all of the lies needed to keep straight.

Alex is brave, she is real, she is honest. She isn't afraid to talk about the messy and the ugly. I know her words will assure many of us out there that we have been seen and we have been heard.

Some highlights in this Episode from Alex:

“I was drinking. And then I started to get into hard drugs. I went from Adderall to cocaine to meth. And I come from a nice family. I’m from Utah, I’ve got everything going for me. And that kind of darkness found me. So, I only say that because I never anticipated who I would become.”

“There’s the Big Bang. And then there’s the quiet sort of implosion. Because rock bottom in my program is seen as that every rock bottom has a trapdoor. And that’s to scare you. That’s to let you know that you can always go further than you imagined.”

“It’s about the very small stuff now, like my theatre company. I'm a really reliable part of my theatre company. That is crazy to me. People had to drag me to rehearsals because I was wasted. It was such an opportunity and I just missed it. So, now the light has changed. But there was always a light for the day, I just needed to look for it.”

Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/

Reach out to Alex Highsmith, on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/ahigh4life/

Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/

Transcript

Tara Beckett: 0:10

Hi, I'm Tara Beckett, and you're listening to let perfect burn. As an actor in college, Alex found that she was easily finding success. In college, she had a lot of time on her hands to drink and to socialize. When the protective bubble burst, and she was shot out into the world, Alex drink to mask her terror. Soon, Alex started to get into hard drugs, from Adderall to cocaine to meth. She talks about rock bottom, that there's a big bang. And there's a quiet sort of implosion. And she talks about how she's used sobriety to help others, creating sober Sally's a place of support for women who are struggling with sobriety during the isolation of the pandemic. For Alex sobriety is about the very small stuff now. She says, The light has changed. But there was always a light for the day. I just needed to look for it. So Alex, I know that we will talk about this later in the interview. But when I was asking you, you know, how would you describe yourself? You said, you're a creative, which I love, because that holds a lot of different pieces. You are a member of the I think it would be like a theatre company, artistic company.

Alex Highsmith: 1:48

How do you guys call it right now we're shifting towards multimedia publishing company.

Tara Beckett: 1:52

There we go. Don, Pat and Tom performed in Edinburgh and also currently have a movie that you said came out of COVID? Yeah,

Alex Highsmith: 2:01

yeah, we're, we're fundraising for it right now.

Tara Beckett: 2:04

Awesome. And also, you talked about a community engaged person creating something called sober Sally's. And also, when you were speaking about yourself, in your bio, you said, I used to define myself as a drinker. And six years ago, I didn't even have friends. Um, so that's a lot of pieces of yourself. And where would you like to start?

Alex Highsmith: 2:34

Thank you for the opportunity to choose. It's all kind of rolled into one. So I mean, for me, I got a lot of perspective on who I am as a person through my arguably worst trait, which is my addictive personality and my drinking. So that's a good place to start, just because the rest of my life was born out of me figuring out why that

Unknown: 3:05

piece was, was what it was. So let's start there.

Alex Highsmith: 3:11

Great. Yeah, so I write I used to describe myself as a drinker, you and I know each other from Boston University, where when I was in school, I described myself as an actor, and I always wanted to be an actor, and I was really rewarded. I did really well in college, as well as you can do an acting school, which is just that you get cast a lot. And well. And there's a number of reasons that happened, aside from talents that, you know, just like a white girl plays or written for white girls, it was, it was a whole bunch of stuff. But it gave me a lot of time to drink and party and socialize. And I did that really, socially for a long time. And then school ended, and we were all shot into the real world. And I was really, really scared. I think the bubble of school was just I didn't want it to end and I was embarrassed about that, too, you know, because I felt like I was this big shot who was destined for Broadway or something. But yeah, I was destined for other things. I was cast in a national tour right after school. So I again felt like I had it made and then I started drinking pretty consistently, and that's where like, it really started. I was a daily drinker. And at first it was just for fun. And then I figured out that you could drink in the morning to make your hangover go away. And then I figured out that you can hang out with people who won't judge you Go for your bad behavior if they're a little worse than you. So I started surrounding myself with people like that, who didn't really uplift me, but sort of just let me do that stuff. And I got really, really lost. I was drinking, I was working in the service industry. I was still doing theater, but like very drunk on stage a lot. And I was functional, super functional. But like something was missing, obviously, because why did why do we do these things to us that I was not drinking stopped making me happy for like the last six years of my drinking career. But I kept thinking, if I did it in a different way, I would figure it out. And I would be an actor. And I would be this, like, I just had this vision of me throwing dinner parties all the time. Like, I don't know what job that is, like, I just wanted to be like this successful woman wearing like fur. And I was I knew I was in New York. And I knew people were giving me attention. And I was fabulous. But that was it. Yeah. Some weird romantic idea. I do blame acting school if you want to shit on acting school call me. Or any art school, really. But I just like, I don't know, I could not figure out the balance between working and playing. And it talking about it. Now. It's like, I try to bring play into all of my work. Because it's so hard to title my so I'm getting ahead of myself. But like, the reason it's so hard to decide who I want to be introduced as or how I want to be introduced is because I've decided that I'm just going to be myself as much as I can in every aspect of my life. And so I am not a sales rep. And I'm not an actor, and I'm not a girlfriend, and I'm not just a sister, you know, I'm all I don't know what the word for that is. But for a long time, I was just a, I was just my actions. It's good to be your actions. I was just this one action. I was just drinking. And then I started to get into hard drugs. And I was straight up using it went from Adderall to cocaine to math. And I, you know, I come from a nice family, I'm from Utah, I've got everything going for me. And that that kind of darkness found me. So I only say that because I never anticipated who I would become, and then who I would become again. But I hit a pretty bad rock bottom with I just had to leave, I had to leave where I was I couldn't pay my bills anymore. I couldn't. I weighed like 20 pounds less than I do now is you know that whole thing you hear and I move back home. And for some reason or another. I've found a way to stop drinking. And everyday since then, about six years ago, my life has gotten better

Tara Beckett: 8:34

and would you say there's a moment or a breaking point where you just knew it was enough? Something had to change?

Alex Highsmith: 8:48

Yeah, there's two different there's like the Big Bang. And then there's the quiet sort of implosion. Right? Because rock bottom in the program I'm in they say every rock bottom has a trapdoor. And that's to scare you. That's to let you know that you can always go further than you imagined in bad and good. Right? I found that to be true. So one was I mean, I what happened? I went into a shift. This was like a year and a half before I stopped drinking and drugging by the way so it was like, but the crack had to happen. I was such a different person that even the the rock bottom and the breaking point was long because it compared to the what I was recovering from it had to be for me. So I mean, one was literally buying meth from I'm a person I worked with, and doing so much of it that I couldn't work and ended up getting. I've never really even told anybody this. I was like, passed out on my friend's couch and a dog peed on me. Like I, it was so humiliating. And so and like, I thought it was funny. Like, it was just, I was in like a crack den. Like, it's crazy. I don't say it lightly. It's just like looking back, I can't really believe it. So that was really bad. I got I had to leave my job that day, I had to sort of face facts that I had no one. And I moved home. So that was like, a really scary, sad breaking point. And then the next one, the night, where I actually was able to quit drinking was it was very quiet. I just got way too drunk before my shift at a restaurant at home. So I had moved back home and just kind of started up again, doing what I was doing. And I had to go to a big party that night for the for the restaurant, it was like a grand reopening or something, and I drink a bunch of vodka before and I got there. And I was supposed to be ready for this huge party. And I was like a star server, right? I used to be an actor, I was really personable, like all of these myths, we tell ourselves or whatever. And I got too drunk, and I slipped and fell in front of the whole staff. And I just remember, like, sitting up and looking around. And like that was it, you know, it was like, this is as good as it's gonna get. It was so lame, and underwhelming, and like, you know, I was this like, big shot. And I was on the floor. And it was Utah, and it was just like, I just tell everybody, you get sick of it. I hope you get sick of it, you know, because that's what happened. I did I just got sick of my bullshit. And luckily, I was I was that was enough. You know, a lot of people aren't in a position for being sick of it to stop for it to enable them to stop. But I was and I went home and I I didn't drink anymore

Tara Beckett: 12:30

you know, I want you to speak if you if you can about all those posts you have on Instagram, where each year there's an anniversary. Can you talk about each of those years and what? What do you think of on the end that time? Yeah.

Alex Highsmith: 12:49

Thanks for just giving me a place to talk about this. By the way. It's really nice. And I welcome I hope it's useful to someone it was. So the posts I started doing my third year of sobriety, I didn't do it year one or year two. And by the way, my sober date is July 31. Right? Yeah. 2017. So, the first couple years, I was scared, it wouldn't stick. So I didn't post I didn't talk about it too much. I also smoke pot. I'm not like sober like a lot of I just that's what I do. I really like plants. Personally, and feed has been a big part. Yeah, we've been a big part of my story. It helps me a lot. So I just like to say that as well. And it's never caused me to relapse on alcohol. Not true for everybody true for me. Right? So I post every year because I think we have to talk about we have to talk least talk about it. Alcohol and drugs are so taboo self harm, and you know, mental illness. It's almost trite now because everyone's like so into being upfront about their mental health. But we still don't want to talk about the nitty gritty, like, I bet people don't like hearing that I got pissed off. Or that like, my friend has suicidal tendencies, or that like, I still think about meth and all of that. It's not cool. It's like, and there's a lot of people most people don't have a problem. That's the thing. Like it's there's it's a very small percentage of humans that have all of these addictive tendencies, but we talk about it so it seems more prevalent.

Tara Beckett: 14:41

So Alex, when you're speaking, I am having such a strong reaction to what you're saying because I find in my experience that the crisis is really black and white and easy to handle for others and I think being well is really simple and easy to handle. But the fact is I'm with what I go through that middle ground is a really hot mess. And that is really hard to both explain and understand. And I don't know if that's something that relates to what you've

Alex Highsmith: 15:14

only in every single way. I think I encountered that a lot with sober Sally. And that's why I started this group of sober and sober curious femmes. Because we all needed help. During COVID, I started posting like we were talking about on Instagram about my journey in that I've managed to stay sober for three years. And after having no presence on social media, really, I came out and I was like, producing a play, I was traveling with my group to Edinburgh, I was in a really great relationship still am I and then the next year, I had even more good things to say about what sobriety gave me. And then the next year, I had even more and people started to come out of the woodwork and say, Thanks for Thanks for talking about something that note, you know, is is scary to talk about, because I'm going through it too. And so I got all of those people together. And we started sober, Sally, and it is challenging, because every single person in that group has a different recovery process. Some people are really in it. Some people like, I'm not, I'm still I'm messy, but I have chosen not to drink alcohol and for the rest of my life. And I know that people never say never, and all that stuff, but it's just working out for me so far. And I hope that I can stay that way. But like, I'm going to Seville in a couple of weeks, and I use wine country, right? Like I have to, I have to grapple with. But I'm not going to do it. I go and I talk to people I for me, I go to an AAA meeting or sober Sally meeting, and I just have to hear people who have been trying to drink successfully for way longer than me. And it reminds me that I'm good. I'm gonna keep doing what's working. So I check in a lot. But to talk about that gray area. We're different people every day. Like, how is one modality? One technique of quitting or getting better supposed to work every day? Like, no, it absolutely can. And the other thing is like we've only just started researching all of this shit. Like there's been like no research on alcoholism on self harm on on Bipolar disorder is very, very confusing for doctors right now. And that is a big part of my family story to lots of I lost my dad to mental health and drugs when I was 14. And my sister openly struggles with that. And I feel like I'm going off the rails here. But

Tara Beckett: 18:09

no, it's okay. It's all related.

Alex Highsmith: 18:12

We have to talk about the messy we have to talk about us trying to get better. Like, I'm really scared for the day that I slip up. But I also think I would post about it, because I know how important it is. And I know that every time I'm open about something I get, like 1000 times that back

Tara Beckett: 18:41

Is there something in particular that you find most challenging right now or gives you the most challenge in sort of luring you back to old coping?

Alex Highsmith: 18:57

Yeah, that's a great question. Yeah, I mean, my there's some stuff in my family going on right now. I have a sister who's recovering from a traumatic brain injury and it's really hard for her obviously. But this is one of the first big things that's happened. God knows I used to have a drink after talking with her or worrying about her. I don't have that now. I don't I want to just relax. I want to I want to not think about any of this shit, any of it the world and everybody you know what? What's going on? Pick your poison, you know? I mean, and I still go out. I couldn't for a long time. I've started going out again, not even just because of COVID because of sobriety and you know, drugs come out and see I saw a plate of cocaine the other night and it was like I had spa I'm on my back like, oh my reaction my, I could feel my eyes dilate like I was in Looney Tunes, my mouth started watering, like I my body wants that. But that is not a normal response to drugs Ladies and gentleman, no matter who you hang out with no matter how many people you see, and this is important for city people to realize, nope, I was I was in the country in Utah. It's true everywhere. You just need to know that the way your friend group does stuff is not the way the whole world works. It's not and I'm not even like trying to school people. It's just I traveled around a lot. I was in a small town in Ogden. I was in the city and Seattle, I lived in Boston, I'm I hung out with townies, I hung out with super fancy actors all of it and there's a lot of different ways to socialize and do things and I had a standard that I wasn't not correct about and there's every day I think about can I be normal? Can I just go to happy hour can't I like why not? It really fucking sucks to be like everybody else and everybody feels that way at one point or another yeah

Tara Beckett: 21:21

yeah, I am also sober right now and I don't know you know I'm not I'm trying not to think add but I'm the kind of medication I take for who I don't know if it's depression bipolar knows I'm just kind of like over it. Like whatever makes me feel like crap you know, it's just not a good thing to mix with it right? Like not not a great idea. But I know in going out I will get so irate now that I'm like one non alcoholic beer people is that too much to put on your menu? This

Alex Highsmith: 21:55

is a PSA for all gets so angry. There's no excuse anymore. There are hundreds upon hundreds folic options. And guys, you can charge sober people weigh more than you charge them for a glass of water. But that's a whole the whole world needs to wake up and see that like getting fucked up as a group is is weird. Weird. Fine, and it's fun. Yeah, you can you totally but it's not the only thing I have no idea what's going to happen. And I joke with some of my sober friends about relapsing all the time. Like I'm waiting to get nuked I'm like waiting for the zombie apocalypse because then I will go relapse eat my brain I'm six almost six years alcohol and hard drug free and I'm still planning for the special day when I can go completely obliterate my entire life. Like that's never going away. It's just not it's how I'm one but every day I check in to see now and because I've got the backlog of alcohol and drugs out of my system I'm able to check in more accurately and that's what everybody owes themselves is like a check in period so you don't have to be sober I mean you can do whatever you got Danwon and you obviously well and whenever anybody tells me that this is how I should do something I will immediately do it the other way or like nag them or something but in my in my bad self in my insight self

Unknown: 23:39

but like

Alex Highsmith: 23:41

man given you're given your body just a chance to be itself is is useful or it was for me

Tara Beckett: 23:58

I get really angry about the cracking open because now I feel like I can't put everything back in the air. So it's like Am I just going to have episodes like this my whole life like is this is this what I signed up for when I got honest with myself?

Alex Highsmith: 24:18

That makes me want to cry I don't know why I think I've totally been there. I can I just kind of keep repeating this. And I just had like I'm so thankful for my I call it alcoholism. Now it's alcohol use disorder as another way people are talking about it. But like, I was like how am I going to live this way? I literally could not even think of spending a day after another day without my quote unquote medicine right to make it okay, right? Like how am I and I just I wish I could convey to like everyone listening how different I was because I can I cannot believe it. And, and it was simply because I just trusted that I was going to stay that, you know, my physical body would be there the next morning. And like, it just changed, like it has nothing to do with us, Tara. That's the other thing. Like we get out of the fucking way. It's I don't know if it's God or like the universe or Gaia, but like, it's actually I got I have nothing to do with me, right? Like it was I was controlling everything and like, worried about how I was gonna act and like, worried about my episodes because I didn't have episodes. And like, it's so much bigger than that. Like, when I stopped focusing on my response to to life, all I was left with was life. Unlike life is manageable. It's stupid, but it's boring, but it's manageable. I hated being bored. I hated the minutiae of life. And that's like, now, that's what I'm left with. Because I don't have partying. But like, no joke, every, like, almost every moment feels like I'm not like a party. But it definitely feels like I can survive it and maybe have fun in it.

Tara Beckett: 26:47

Alex, if you could talk to your 18 year old self. What would you tell her

Alex Highsmith: 27:00

don't sleep with the married guy. Don't first, just straight up. And I guess the thing under that is respecting yourself is not boring. And that nobody's paying attention to how much I drink or party. And nobody is going to notice

Unknown: 27:36

that I quit.

Alex Highsmith: 27:39

And that acting is just a job. And that like me by myself, without anything added to it.

Unknown: 27:54

Is is really good.

Alex Highsmith: 27:57

And that if I stick with that person, I'm gonna get friends. I'm gonna get to live in New York City. I'm gonna meet the love of my life. I'm gonna get a dog. I'm going to be on a podcast talking about stuff. I'm gonna like have a group of people who want to know what I think like, it's Oh, man, I wish I could have told that girl to just like, hold on. Yeah.

Tara Beckett: 28:26

Yeah. Can we talked a little bit about the struggle, the daily struggle? We talked a little bit about maybe the boringness of when you and I have taken away some of those extremes. What is the light in your life right now?

Alex Highsmith: 28:57

So people talked about this stuff when I was in early days, and I tried drinking a lot quitting a lot before I got a stretch. And I was always like, if you tell me that yoga, or a bath will make me feel better. I will fuck you up. I fucking hate that. And I still hate it. I remember I was like, had no money. I was sleeping on my girlfriend's couch. God bless her. She let me stay on her couch. She was a few years older than me. She moved to the city with $10,000 Like, did not have a drug or alcohol problem, which I didn't even know was an option. And she was like, notice that I was frankly tweaking and she was like, You should really just try some, like sun salutations to kill her. I swear to God in my like, I would have done something. And it's just like, that stuff doesn't. It doesn't apply until until like a lot of other basic needs are met. Right? Yeah. Like I'm not gonna like how Have a fruity bath with candles until I can fucking afford candles, or like a quiet apartment or relax. And that being said, that's the shit that I love now, like all these, but it built up to that I I went from never from constantly having an overdrawn bank account and being woken up in the night by the lies I had to keep straights to people and employers. So when I stopped drinking and dropped it all the lies and pretending I, my light was like a good night's sleep. And like being able to look my mother in the eye. Those things meant a lot. And I try not to forget that now. Because now I'm at the point where I built my bank account up in the right way. And I didn't skip any steps I don't think aside from like, being white and middle class and a woman, you know, like all that stuff, but all that stuff. But like, I just, I did the next right thing. That's what they tell you in my program. And that's what I've heard in even like religious and philosophy, philosophical conversations, just do the next right thing. It's the next indicated thing. And for me, after drinking daily for years and years and years, the next right thing was like to take a shower, and to not drink. And then slowly the next right thing was get a job, but not anywhere that I would maybe be triggered. So I got a really low paying job at a coffee shop in the morning. And I just knew I needed to work. And and I did it for a while and I met some good people and one of the regulars at my coffee shop job was the owner of a pet food company who needed a sales rep. And so he hired me and I got this job that I wasn't not qualified for at all but I had a driver's license. And I was good to drive now and I it was just crazy. So I took that job. And and now my light is like I got a dog because I had that job I've always wanted like a baby but not a baby. I really respect all you moms out there. Oh my God and I want one so bad but it's not right in our life yet but like, My dog is my light walking around Prospect Park in the morning and not having a hangover and not wishing that I was somebody else is my life. Like it's very small stuff now. Like my theatre company. I'm a big part I'm a really reliable part of my theatre company. That is crazy to me like people have to drag to rehearsals at the end of days and I was wasted like it was such an opportunity and I just missed it so like the the light changed Yes, the light always changed but there was always a light for the day. If I looked for it perfect

Tara Beckett: 33:39

perfect for you What does let perfect burn mean? Yes,

Alex Highsmith: 33:43

I've been thinking about this question because I know you ask your guests. What am I gonna say? I think for me what perfect burn means let all of my preconceived notions though because in my mind, whatever I've decided the future is or whatever I've decided my ways is perfect. That's that's why I decided that's why I envisioned it. But as I get older and more sober I realized that I envisioned it that way because that's what I know. That's just that's what I've seen. That's what I know. And I don't know very much i I'm so glad I know that now and I'm sure when I listen to this in 10 years I'll be like shut up Alex. You don't know anything. You think you know but you don't call I hope I don't relapse. What do you have? That is so good that it can't get better that there's no room for improvement? And improvement sounds boring too. I'm very attuned to these words that are like, Oh, work. And like, Ah, I have to, like, because work is hard. Like, it's I don't want to be like, I'm good how I am. But like, you know, we all know we all need a lot of help. Yeah. There are so many of us out there that want to that want to let go of what we think we're just like, I'm so thankful that you've put this platform out here to to lay it out there. I think we really need it.

Tara Beckett: 35:43

Course. Yeah. And I think we really need your voice and it takes a lot to come on and give your story to listeners. And I feel honored. And also to just feel like even though our stories are not the same, there's there's a commonality so I think you're going to your story will also help people who might be struggling in a different way to just know that there's someone out there who's speaking truth and will make them feel seen and heard. So it's a big deal, Alex, and I'm so thankful, man.

Alex Highsmith: 36:23

Thanks, Tara. Birth