Let Perfect Burn

My Body, Now Free, With Body Liberation Coach, Hannah Husband

• Tara Beckett • Season 1 • Episode 9

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In this episode, I speak with Hannah Husband, who started her career as a personal trainer. In the process of interviewing dozens of clients, she found that every single woman had the goal of losing weight. It didn’t matter if she was a size 0 or a size 20, there was this shared idea that the smallest body was the best body. Hannah decided to make it her mission to investigate what it meant to help her clients liberate their bodies— to move in the ways that felt good, to give attention to a body part that was asking for care, and to gain strength rather than only lose weight.

In Oakland, California, Hannah opened her studio, The Fitness Alchemists. Hannah was renting space from a Cross-Fit gym, which ceased to work when she realized she was giving 150% with a 45% efficacy for her clients. It was clear that the work Hannah was doing could not survive in its current environment. Even though Hannah felt like she was running on empty, she opened her own studio space. But then Covid hit, and Hannah surrendered. Her body said it was time to stop.

Hannah and her partner agreed that they could afford 1 month of Hannah allowing herself to be still, to exist with purposeful nothingness and allow for her body and her soul to heal. Becoming an “empty vessel” let Hannah decide what she wanted to place back into her body and what was vital to let go of. She says, “Just let the things go that aren't for you. Let the effort that you’ve been pouring yourself into that isn’t serving you go. Let it go up in flames and then you have that beautiful clean slate.”

Some highlights in this Episode from Hannah:

"There was this universal, "I should probably lose x pounds", or "I should probably slim down this part." And something in my brain was like, wait a minute, even people who look like the standard still feel like this. Maybe the system is rigged, like maybe we're all being sold a bad deal here. And I realized that there's no arriving."

"And there's righteous anger, which is generally something that was not allowed for me and my family of origin, but we need that actually. It's a really cleansing force in our beings."

"I call myself a recovering perfectionist. So there's this drive to get it right. I don't feel like I'm doing enough unless I'm working hard. There was a connection between effort and worthiness."

Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/

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https://www.instagram.com/hannahhusband/
Reach out to Hannah, via her Website:
http://www.hannahhusband.com/

Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/

Hannah Husband:

Welcome back. I'm so glad you're here. You're listening to let perfect burn. Today, I sit down with Hannah husband, who started her career as a personal trainer. And in the process of interviewing dozens of clients, she found that every single woman had the goal of losing weight. It didn't matter if she was a size zero, or a size 20, there was the shared idea that the smallest body was the best body. So Hannah decided to do something different. Hannah opened her own studio in Oakland, California, dedicated to movement in a body positive, intuitive way. Initially renting space from a CrossFit gym, it became clear that this could not be a home for her work. So Hannah opened a private space, but then COVID hit, and everything fell apart. Hannah's break downs, and body pain, told her it was time to stop. She walks us through what it meant to become an empty vessel. And in doing so, the gifts that filled her body. I am here today with Hannah husband, a body liberation coach. And she writes that she's committed to supporting folks who feel left out of or harmed by mainstream fitness offerings. So first of all, welcome, Hannah. Thank you. It's so nice to reconnect. Han and I were actually talking before we started recording about how I was trying to pay for grad school, working the 5am shift at the gym where they were a personal trainer. And how after the gym, I usually just got nachos and a beer so great.

Unknown:

Perfect isn't a valid choice. Yeah,

Hannah Husband:

exactly. It was I enjoyed it. So Hannah, I would love if you could just say a little bit more about what it means to be a body liberation coach.

Unknown:

Yeah, so I mean, this is full disclosure, definitely still a title that I'm feel like I'm trying on. I've been trying to relate a lot of things in my life to my favorite childhood game, which was playing dress up.

Hannah Husband:

So I'm trying it on, wearing it around the house, seeing how it feels. And for me, it sort of hard to explain what it is without talking about what it isn't. And, you know, as you know, I started as a personal trainer, and so much of Personal Training and Fitness. And really like, where I saw my value as a personal trainer was in telling people what to do and what not to do. And so there's a sense of like, you hire someone in the fitness coaching realm to essentially hand over your autonomy to in a lot of ways. And for me, like that always felt weird, and, and kind of wrong, but also sort of like, wow, this is how I make money. So okay. And for me body liberation practice, and coaching is about reconnecting to being able to listen to your own body, trusting yourself as the expert of your physical, emotional mental experience, and kind of helping folks like relearn how to do that, because it's not something were culturally encouraged to do. Exactly. And who are your clients that you're working with right now?

Unknown:

Um, so it's a range of folks, but I would say like, the common threads, mostly women. Although I've definitely had some wonderful male clients. A lot of times for me, it's women who have had like a very restrictive or kind of obsessive relationship with food and or exercise and who are in recovery from that way of thinking and really committed to a different way of being but kind of like, how do I get movement back into my life if it's not this thing that it used to be? So that's kind of one camp the other camp are people who have like, always considered themselves sort of not physical and that could be just a mental story that could be because they're differently abled, or they have chronic illness or chronic pain. And so there's been this kind of contentious relationship with movement because they never quite found a way in that was like welcoming to them. Everything, like hurt them. And they're like, Okay, that's not for me.

Hannah Husband:

And I'm just trying to give our listeners just a little sense of what it would be like to be in a room with you like, how is it different than if I were to be in a room with you as a personal trainer?

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah. So, for example, part of the sort of warm up that I do with my clients, when we have a session is some kind of body scan, where I'm encouraging them to be present with each part of their body. Um, sometimes we'll do that with touch, where you actually just like, gently touch yourself and make like, pleasurable contact with each part of your body. Sometimes we'll do that mentally. Sometimes we'll do that with movement. Okay, you're gonna move your neck, you're gonna move your shoulders, you're gonna move your ribcage. But essentially, like starting the practice, always with a way of you checking in with yourself to be like, what's here today? Who needs attention today? And then

Hannah Husband:

I think the other thing that's really different is that I ask a lot of questions often and early sessions people are like, seem sort of like surprised by that, because I think they're used to a trainer being like, now do this for eight reps. Now do this for 12 reps. And there's a lot of like, how did that feel? What would you like to do? So there's a lot more choice in my sessions. And I really think of myself as like, a resource. So we do the scan, say the hip is wanting some attention. I'm like, Cool. Do you feel like you know, some moves that you'd like to give that hip? Or do you want to like source from the greater library that I have? And sometimes they'll be like, Oh, no, I really want to do that one that we did last week, I'll be like, Great, let's do it. Or they'll be like, it feels like nothing I know, is quite the right thing. I'm like, okay, cool. Let's assess and investigate and figure out like, what that what the sensations you're feeling, are telling you, and then what kind of movement inputs your body's asking for. I just, I don't know. All of a sudden, I felt like it's almost like a body therapist.

Unknown:

I mean, my friend and client, Courtney, who she was like, you're kind of like a relationship therapist, or a couples therapist between me and my body. And I was like, I'm not mad about that inscription.

Hannah Husband:

Yes. No, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. And, you know, we, we briefly touched on it, but could you give us a sense of what was your journey to this point? You know, what, what were the moments that made you, you know, switch gears and begin a life that looks like what you have now?

Unknown:

Yeah, man. So many, I'll try to pick a

Hannah Husband:

few. Yes, no, we're here. We're here.

Unknown:

So yeah, I mean, I, you know, when you met me, when I was working at that gym, I was definitely I was doing what I now call body positive light, where I was like, I had kind of embraced that weight loss shouldn't be the goal at all costs, right. But I was still believing that a smaller body was a healthier body, and therefore a better body. And that has since shifted for me, but at that time, I hadn't questioned that equation, if you will. And, you know, I definitely got into fitness because I was trying to be an actor and was like, oh, only people who look a certain way are getting cast in lead roles. So I guess I'd better try my best to look as much like that as I can. So it was definitely coming from a place of like, I'm not good enough as I am. And I need to change to fit this standard so that I can pass through this tiny little, you know, needle hole to become a professional actor. Yes. And as I started working with people as a personal trainer, one of the things one of the first things that really glimmered for me in terms of like, oh, like, we'd have these two, you probably remember, we had two free sessions with every member who signed up for the gym. So I did a bunch of those, right? And in the session, you talked to the person that like, Hey, what are your goals? What's gotten in your way? You know, what would you ideally want for yourself? And I started to notice that literally every single woman I sat across from at those little round Cafe tables had something about losing weight or shrinking her body. And what I noticed as the observer was that it didn't seem to matter what people look like whether they were a size zero size two Who says 12? Whether they were in their midlife or early life, like, there was this universal, I should probably lose x pounds, or I should probably slim down this part. And something in my brain was like, wait a minute, even people who look like the standards still feel like this. Maybe the system is rigged, like maybe we're all being sold a bad deal here. And I kind of realized that, like, there's no arriving. Like I tricked myself into like, if I changed my body enough, then I'll be okay, then I'll relax, then my life can start basically. Right. And like listening to so many different women, some of whom, you know, at that time, I would have been like, you don't need to lose any weight conversation for another day about that sentence. But in my brain at that time, right. I was just like, oh, like there is no arrival, the goalpost just keeps moving. And we're all just going to stay in this hamster wheel of not enough need to work harder kind of situation. So that was a that was a big kind of like, initial sort of guideposts, that made me be like, Okay, maybe there's something else to explore here. And then, once I was set up with my own business in California, I had a really wonderful client who wrote me this like beautiful intake form, like it was like a novel, I still remember passages of it really vividly. And she kind of really poured her heart out and was like, I had this really tortured relationship with my body. I was stuck in loops of dieting and trying to lose weight for a really long time. I'm now the largest I've ever been. But I'm also the most at peace with myself that I've ever been. And I really just want someone to help me get stronger. Because there's things I want to do physically that right now I feel like I don't have the stamina or the strength to do. Can you help me with that? And essentially, she was saying, Are you the kind of trainer who will help me get strong but not sort of force me to try to lose weight at the same time. And I was like, 100%, because at that time, even though I still was believing that smaller and lighter was healthier. I was also like, respect the goal of the client, like don't have a secret agenda for them. Yeah, yeah. And so we ended up working together in person for a few months while she was in town, and then like, over the interwebs, for a number of years when she moved back to Europe. And it was during that phase of like virtual sessions, where most I was just listening, and then asking questions, and we would do a little bit of movement stuff over the video, but a lot of it was really just helping her sort through her own thoughts and experiences. And so I got to sort of be a fly on the wall to witness the way that the medical system treats folks in larger bodies. And it is appalling. Like, yes, just whatever you're going in for, if you're showing up in a larger body, the first thing that they prescribe is weight loss. Instead of actually being like, Oh, your knee hurts. Let's get you some assessment there. They're like, Well, it's because you're too heavy and you need to lose weight. It's like, okay, how am I supposed to do that? Oh, diet and exercise? How am I supposed to exercise when My knee hurts? Just going up and down stairs? Right, and they just don't have an answer for that.

Hannah Husband:

It's a loop. Yeah,

Unknown:

it's this horrible loop. So that kind of, I think even more like lit this fire under me of like, people should have access to movement that makes their bodies feel and perform better. That doesn't have a weight loss price tag attached to it. Yeah, the pandemic hit, which just like exploded my whole life. I had just opened a small fitness studio with my then business partner. And all of a sudden we were like, Oh, we have to cancel classes for two weeks. Okay. We thought two weeks right.

Hannah Husband:

Oh, that was a hilarious. I remember I got a meme from a friend of a mum. Drinking a large Margarita saying what happens when spring break is two weeks longer. Little did we know. We know. But you know, I know when you were talking about and this is the fitness Alchemist. Yeah, the company that you were saying to me that you would I'm consider that a breaking point for you. Could you talk a little bit more about

Unknown:

Yeah, man? So it started a little bit before we open the studio to be honest, we were, we were renting space from a CrossFit gym that had opened. And are you familiar with CrossFit? Do you have like a Oh, I

Hannah Husband:

ever worry about? Okay. No, it's not for me.

Unknown:

This was I had been judgey towards it from a distance for a long time. But this was my first time being in the middle of it and being like, Oh, okay. So, for context, and for those listening, this gym was like a giant warehouse. That used to be like a car repair shop in downtown Oakland. So it was like, really cold in the winter, like really hot in the summer, like just open, you know, an echoey. And there'd be me running my little like, small group strength training class of like four to five people, mostly who fit the profile of the clients that I described earlier. So people who are like, don't really think of themselves as athletes are just kind of getting into fitness for the first time, or they've had like injuries that they're trying to not hurt themselves again. And the next to us is like, like horde of like 20 people, mostly shirtless men, who are like, hurling barbells overhead and letting them crash to the ground and then running over and doing burpees. And then climbing ropes and doing box jumps. All speed? Yeah, yeah. It's so cute. Just so cute. And like, it was just this really interesting contrast that I think, honestly, I think it helps strengthen my like, oh, yeah, we need something different. Like, this is great for these people. But it's not great for everyone. No. And where was I going with that? Right? So we had a pretty good accord, like the the space was kind of an L shape. And we had this little corner off to the side. And I didn't realize how much privacy it felt like that little corner afforded us until the owner decided to rearrange how the space was being used over the winter break. And when we came back, we were now in this little strip between like floor to ceiling windows on Harrison Street, which is like a major street going through. So walking by people driving by buses going by, and then the classes and there was no like physical barrier anymore to kind of delineate like, this is our space, this is your space. And my clients were like, we feel really exposed. And I was like, yeah,

Hannah Husband:

yeah, and it

Unknown:

was really hard to

Hannah Husband:

focus. And there's not an intimacy that feels like it's required.

Unknown:

Right, right. Right. And we were, you know, we were starting to integrate a lot of the work that I do now, which is called functional range conditioning, which is about like, essentially, partnering your nervous system with your physical body. So like finding your end range of a stretch, really feeling into like, Where does your body say no further than this. And then like hanging out there and doing some, like strength training stuff there. So you really need to be able to like listen in to your sensations and like a very subtle level, which was pretty much impossible in that space. So I felt like I was giving 150% effort to have maybe like a 45% efficacy in terms of my like, effectiveness as a coach. And it was just like, super exhausting. And I just like yeah, I was it was hard to unpack in the moment. What I understand now is that like, for whatever reason, that sudden change of environment, basically like lanced sort of bubble of like stored traumatic grief that was hiding in my body somewhere since I had been a little child. And all of a sudden, that was just like, bubbling to the surface. So I was like, sobbing for 10 to 20 minutes a day, most days. And I was in good supportive hands with my therapist who was like you just need to make space for this to come forward. It's going to clear you're gonna you're going through a restructuring was what he said. But like, because I was just like, randomly bursting into tears and then sobbing uncontrollably for anywhere from you know, two to 10 minutes. I was like, How do I do things like How do I make decisions about the future of my business when like, I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed if like, my sandwich falls on the floor? So yeah, that was definitely a personal kind of breaking point where I just looking back now I realized that I was just crumbling under the pressure of my expectations of myself. And realizing how much I was running my life prioritizing other people's needs instead of my own. I know you said

Hannah Husband:

that this breaking point, there was a body wound. Oh, yes. What that means

Unknown:

totally well, so simultaneously, during this time, just to add funsies, to the whole mix, I suddenly had like, really intense low back pain, which I had never had in my life. And so I couldn't demo a lot of the movements that I was teaching. I couldn't, in the rearranging of the space, we were on the far end, all the weights were on the other end. So in order to bring equipment over, like kettlebells, and stuff, you'd have to like farm or carry them across the whole length of the gym. And like, I finally had to be like, I can't do that. Every time I do that it flares up my back. And so I had to get really creative and be like, okay, my clients who are the strongest, can you help me first thing in the morning, like, do this or I'd like try to get the CrossFit kids to help me. But it was just like, really weird to be not physically able to do whatever I needed to do. That was really probably the first time in my life that that has ever happened. Like I've had other injuries and stuff. But this was like, it was like the right side of my sacrum and up into my lower back. So like, most movements were limited and affected by that. And all the things that I knew that I would normally help my clients with, when they would have a similar complaint weren't changing things for me. And so both like, undermined my sense of like capability as a coach, I was like, I can't even help myself. Like, who what? Who do I think I am trying to help other people. And, yeah, finally, I ended up connecting with this incredible body worker who did kind of like nervous system reset stuff is the best way I can describe it. And her treatment helped. But what she really gave me was, she was like, You need to rest. And she turned me on to these guided meditations. I've never been one for guided meditations up to that point. But she turned me on to a particular I can't think of her name now, Sarah, something who's on like, one of those free apps, right. And like, for whatever reason, this particular woman's voice I could, like, listen to, and slow down and like lay down and like breathing into that part of my back. And like letting myself rest whenever I felt the impulse was the thing that started to change my course. I call myself a recovering perfectionist. So there's this, there's this drive to get it right. That I think is somewhat innate, and then somewhat also developed as like a protective strategy in my early life, because there's some stuff that was going on there. And then one of the ways that that manifests itself is like, I don't feel like I'm doing enough unless I'm working hard. There's this connection that now as I'm working on interrupting, but there, there was a connection between, like, effort and worthiness. Like I might not be there yet, but I'm working really hard. Do you see me working really hard?

Hannah Husband:

And if I'm not working, will you catch me?

Unknown:

Huh? Yeah, no, I did not trust that anyone would catch me. It was like, I got to do it all myself. Can't rely on anybody. Yeah. Well, and the other thing I had been like, I had been like trying all different practitioners. I was going to this car Practice this other chiropractor, acupuncture, that kind of like, what's the kid's story? Will you be my mother? Will you be my mother? Like it was like that, right? Where I was like someone's gonna have the thing to fix me. And nobody did. And finally I kind of realized that pattern. And yeah, there was a way that the like the guided meditations were about like surrender and not doing and just giving myself a space to just be with what was without having a desire to shift it

Hannah Husband:

when you open a new studio, yeah, after the one that was attached to the CrossFit, yeah. Can you talk about how where you went from there? So you're having kind of this emotional breakdown? It sounds like physically your body sort of revolting? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But you go to a new studio. Can you talk about that journey?

Unknown:

Yeah. So somehow, amidst the breakdown, my business partner was like, I think we need our own space, I feel really certain about it, I really want to do it with you. So like, it's okay that you don't have a lot of energy, like we're gonna make this happen. And we opened our own studio, like October of 2019. Oh, shoot, yeah. In some ways, it felt good. Like, when you go from a really bad situation, to a slightly better situation, your system is like, Yes, this is amazing. Everything is wonderful. So I had like two weeks of that. And then I like, lost steam again, and was just like, so tired. So terrified, that I locked myself into this life path that I didn't even feel sure about. And I think too, I just felt really isolated. Like, one of the things I've been learning about myself recently is that like, I like to body double. So I love having like someone either in the same room, and we're just doing our own things, or it's working. Okay, on Zoom, actually, I've been doing body W dates, but like, every work situation that I'd ever had, like the CrossFit. It was annoying, but I was in a space with other people who were doing the same thing. So there's that collective like pool of energy of like, we're doing our thing. In our studio, I would be alone, and like, my clients would come and go, and my class participants would come and go, but there'd always be this feeling of like, I'm alone in this space. I'm swimming in a void, like. And so there, there wasn't a lot of like, I'm definitely an extrovert, I get energy from being around other people. And so it was just like, this

Hannah Husband:

draining, really, really draining.

Unknown:

And it felt, yeah, like, it felt too big. And I felt too small. And so when the pandemic shut us down, like part of me was relieved, and then part of me was disgusted that I felt relieved. So that was really fun.

Hannah Husband:

Have an emotion, then beat yourself up for the emotion. Really, really, really skilled? Exactly.

Unknown:

I have lots of practice with that one. Yeah, yeah. Have a genuine feeling and then have lots of judgments towards yourself for that feeling. Yeah. That's how we keep it all together. I'm pretty sure. Yeah,

Hannah Husband:

I think so. Yeah.

Unknown:

Um, so yeah, so the shutdown, while it was devastating, also, there was a part of me that was like, This is what I needed. Like I needed a full stop. And I needed like, permission to imagine doing something completely different. And I I wasn't finding a way to give myself that permission. That break in continuity. I think that was the other thing. I just I had really built up a lot of worship for being consistent. And the reality is like, that's not how who I am or how I am if I'm left to my own natural ways of being I I have really different energy week to week and day to day. And I'd been just convincing myself that that was something to fix or change or, or create strategies to minimize. Because especially in fitness, right, like consistency is the holy grail. And again, like the the, just the emotional experience of the pandemic, the way that our world changed so sharply and so suddenly, and so irrevocably. All of a sudden, I was like, I just couldn't be consistent. No. And so I let myself not be for the first time, maybe in my adult life. And I like looking back now, I'm so clear that that was a really necessary, like medicine for me in a way

Hannah Husband:

just to stop and sort of take stock. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I hear you, Hannah, because I was a photographer. Leading up to the pandemic. And I was coming in, I came back from my second son, I had all my gigs lined up, I had childcare, I shot one gig, and it shut down. And that was that. And, like you, like you say, in the moment, it was devastating. I thought I could never possibly rebuild my business. I didn't, you know, I was crushed that my professional life was again on hold. And now I'm doing a podcast and I'm a writer, like, me so much better, right? But there's, like, I couldn't, I couldn't stop. Like, if I stopped the thing I was doing that I was making money at then. What did that mean about me? Yeah, so I hear you quitting

Unknown:

is very unpopular in our current culture, like stopping. It's okay to pivot. If you have your next thing lined up, it's okay to lean from to the next thing. But don't you dare just stop because you feel that something's wrong, and you don't know what's next. And like, for me, you know, so fast forward from pandemic hitting to just this past. Basically, October of 2021, I began to realize that my business partner and I were just different enough that collaboration was taking so much energy from us, and that we needed to part ways, which was like, Well, I've been working with this person for the past four years on this project. And like, even before that, we've been working side by side at a gym in Oakland. Before that, we were working at the same gym in Boston, where you knew me like, we had a long history of being together and doing things side by side. And so it was like, really scary to have that realization. And also, my body was making it super clear. Like, I would get out of meetings that we would have, and just be like, exhausted and have to sort of like 10 to myself for the rest of the day. And so we began the process of separation. And part of it was that like, I didn't, I couldn't access vision around what I wanted, I couldn't access vision for where I wanted our company to go. I had no clue what I wanted to do next, if I were able to get out of that business. Like this is probably the most woowoo thing I can will say but the sort of guidance that I was able to get in that moment of like so much not knowing was empty the vessel just the sense that I needed to like set down, walk away not have the new plan but actually allow myself to be like a hollow container and then the next thing would would pour it perfect.

Hannah Husband:

Just struck by the people that I get the privilege of talking to in these interviews, but just how brave I always think that is right, it was easier for you to keep going. Right? It would just have been I mean, maybe not easier,

Unknown:

simpler. So yeah, for sure. For sure. The familiar feels safer. Mm hmm.

Hannah Husband:

But to say like, I am willing to see what I am when there's nothing in there and let something new fill up that feels terrifying.

Unknown:

Girl it was. It was scary.

Hannah Husband:

So what did that look like for you?

Unknown:

Ah, I mean, it looked like a lot of midwifing that decision through therapy and coaching definitely didn't arrive at that on my own. It looked like having a conversation with my partner where I was like, Can we do this? Is it okay, if I go to zero on income for like, a few months? Unfortunately, we were in a position where we were like, yeah, we can handle that. You know, especially because it was clear to me that I might not pick back up with fitness in any form at that moment. And so it really felt like stepping off the edge of a cliff into like nothingness. For me, when I'm scared, giving time containers helps. So I decided on four weeks, I was like, Okay, I'm going to take four weeks, the month of December, right depths of winter, to be purposefully unproductive. And to really not ask myself, to even think about work, or try to imagine the new possibilities, but to really just like, shut down and like allow complete hibernation. I've been like, leaning into learning about more cyclical living recently. So I kind of felt aligned with like the seasonality of that. That kind of winter metaphor of like going underground and like letting myself be a dormant seed. I don't know. I mean, I'm not. I'm not one of those people that like struggles to take breaks, I'm more so struggled to get enough work done. I'm definitely like, I'm like, as soon as someone's like, Hey, do you wanna go for a walk? I'm like, Yes, let's go. Like, I don't get fixated on my work. Even when I'm really excited about a project that I'm doing. I am more. So I'm the other way where I have to be like, Okay, this container is for work, things to happen. And I am going to like, mute my phone and you know, turn off all distractions, so I can actually get it done. I have other friends who are like, how do you make sure that you take enough breaks, and I was like, That is not my struggle.

Hannah Husband:

I was recently learning though, that perfectionism. That's actually a trait of perfectionist, really, is that? Yeah, it doesn't make a ton of sense, except, like procrastination or putting things off. And there's like, a pressure to get it right. Yeah. And so we tend, like I clean junk drawers. Or I like to cleaning. Yes. So there's something about that, that is actually something I can perfect, right? And making really, like simple and beautiful, rather than the thing I'm doing that takes like an emotional piece of me and makes it activate, right? Like the drawer is way easier, right? So I hear you on that

Unknown:

the drawer is a finite thing versus like, you know, longer projects, like a book, or, you know, I'm working on launching an online membership community. It's like, there's a lot of pieces. And there isn't like a clear end point. And there isn't like, it's not like, I can organize the things in the drawer and then be like, done. It's like, I have to like, try a thing and then see how people interact with it. And then there's going to be iteration on top of that. And then there's going to be iteration on top of that. And like, there's so much that's outside of our control. I think that's the where the perfectionist piece makes sense. To me. It's like, too many variables I don't like.

Hannah Husband:

That's exactly, exactly. So you were just saying you're launching an online membership. Can you So you came out of hibernation, right?

Unknown:

Right. That happened. What? What does it look like girl? Oh my gosh. So here's the interesting thing. Probably like, second week of December. So like one week into my four weeks of purposeful nothingness. I started waking up naturally

between like 530 6:

30am And I'd be like laying in bed. Just being cozy and all of a sudden I'd get this like, fully formed like download of like, Oh, I could teach a workshop of this technique. And that would be a really useful way to help people, like begin their movement journey on their own terms like in the way that I'm thinking of it now. Oh, I think the membership community is about this and needs to say these things. And like this is going to be just like, every morning for like three weeks straight. And because I had committed to the not doing, like, I definitely felt that impulse, like you're getting inspiration, do it now. Okay, keep your commitment to yourself, but also honor like these gifts from the muse. And so I would just like write them, I literally have like a file of notes on my phone, I would just try to write down enough that I would be able to come back to it later and know what I meant, or what what the shape of the thing was. But it was kind of like I was like, thank you, I'm gonna tuck this away in this little treasure chest because I'm not doing things right now. And that was a wild experience. Because I think I've had such a like, I think being an entrepreneur, or being a small business owner, like there becomes this extractive relationship with your own creativity, where you're like, I need to be creative. And I need a thing, right? Especially with frickin social media, right? It's like this constant mill of having to produce content to be consumed, and then it's gone. And then you have to do it all over again. And like, see, I have some fields about that.

Hannah Husband:

Yes. Share those fields. I was on I was on tick tock for like three minutes, and I knew illness. And then Instagram. Same thing. I'm like, I post about my pods. That's it, because it's just like you were talking about a container. I had to put a container around it, cuz I was like, you could post all day long. That's right. Yeah, yeah. And

Unknown:

especially like Instagram, the more you post, the more the other girl likes you and Malala. Anyway, yes. So. So yeah, so then in like, February, I was like, Okay, now I have permission. And now then I actually had excitement, because I have this like, treasure trove of ideas that had come to me, like so fully formed, and without any effort. And so I felt like I had energy. I felt like I had excitement. I didn't feel like I had any structure. So that was kind of interesting in the beginning to be like, how do I create containers that support me to be the spontaneous being that I am. But that sort of gives me the best opportunity to do the things that are important to me. And that is an ongoing question. But it has looked like joining some like online groups. So I'm in this awesome like, six month program that I call my anti capitalist entrepreneurs incubator. Not actually what it's called. But it's that's kind of the vibe is like, if we're not buying into this sort of hustle culture, capitalist mindset of extraction and exploitation, if we are wanting to have kind of an animist relationship with our work and our creative projects, where like, we believe that the thing we're making is also making us what does that look like? And how do we like make a sustainable business out of that? And so yeah, the biggest kernel that came to me during the dark of winter was this feeling of like, we need a space to create community to bond to have a sense of belonging that isn't based on talking about how we're trying to lose weight. So much of the so much intimacy in between femmes in particular women in particular, is created in our culture around like, hatred of our bodies, what we're doing to change them, what's working, what isn't working, how bad we're being like, there's, there's a lot of that it's sort of the like, acceptable small talk cloak that we all greet each other when. And when you decide or learn that you can't be part of diet culture anymore, that you can't commit to believing that a smaller body is a better body. It sort of can feel like you've left society and it's like, well, how do I make friends? Like how do I find people? Folks who expressed a lot of anxiety about like, going into social situations with food Because typically, that then provokes diety conversations. So my goal for the community is really to create a space where folks can talk to each other. So we're going to have monthly, like sharing circles, where everybody gets 10 minutes to speak, whatever is present for them. How are you feeling about your body, how's your relationship with your body and movement? What's most important to you right now. And the default is that you'll just be lovingly witnessed by the people that are in the group with you. And then if you want to use part of your time to ask for specific support you can

Hannah Husband:

Hannah, this has been so awesome to have you on. And just to close out, what does let perfect burn mean for you?

Unknown:

Who, well, I've been really connecting to all the fire placements in my astrological chart lately. So that's the first thing that pops up is just this idea of like, it's actually healthy to burn the wrong structures to the ground. And there's a way that like, righteous anger, which is generally something that was like not allowed for me and my family of origin and I think is not permission a lot for fans or people socialized female in our world, like, we need that actually. It's like a really cleansing force in our beings. I also love the let part, right because again, that's about not doing it's like, let it burn. Just let the things that aren't for you let the effort that you've been pouring yourself into that isn't serving you let it go up in flames. And then you have that beautiful clean slate.

Hannah Husband:

Thank you so much, Hannah. It's been a pleasure. You're most

Unknown:

welcome. Thanks for having me on. This was really fun.

Hannah Husband:

Awesome. We'll talk soon. Okay, bye

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Tara Beckett

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