Universal Ethical Love: Poly and Self-Attached, With Whole Body Coach, Alyssa Keegan

In this episode, I speak with Whole Body Coach, Alyssa Keegan. Growing up in rural Michigan, Alyssa Keegan was working as a professional actor and voiceover artist. Alyssa got married and had a son, identifying during that period of their life as monogamous, straight and cis. Yet when Alyssa began their poly journey, they came to know their true self— polyamorous, pansexual, queer, kinky and gender non-conforming. When the pandemic hit and Alyssa lost their acting career, they decided to make a shift and dedicate their life to supporting others who found themselves questioning their identity and relationships later in life.

Alyssa takes us on their journey of self-attachment and self-love and how they became attuned to their reactions with their partners that came from a place of trauma response. Alyssa talks about falling apart and hitting rock bottom, but at the bottom, seeing that they were still there and that they would be okay. “I had practiced proving to my body that I was going to show up and take care of it. I was going to sit with the parts of myself, the little parts of myself, the defensive parts of myself and tell them all they were welcome there.”

In speaking about their clients, they say, “Letting the mind relax for a time is so informative, particularly when it comes to issues of insecurity, jealousy, or possessiveness. Whether you’re a client who is coming to me because you’re in a monogamous structure or a consensually non- monogamous structure, the foundation of every healthy relationship comes back to that relationship with yourself.”

Highlights from Alyssa:

" I teach my clients that from a scientific perspective, that the oldest part of our brain is rooted in your nervous system. And understanding that and being able to listen to that more really helps us uncover these parts of ourselves that need attention that we cognitively don't necessarily understand."

"I was chased down and held down and and I really had to wrestle with the fact that as a bipolar parent, he was the best parent in the world when he was up. And he was violent and abusive when he was down. And so I loved him deeply, and sought his excitement and his attention. And then he would turn into a monster. "

" I ask myself if I am slipping into the delicious desire of having somebody else take care of all of my problems. Because it's so enticing to have somebody else just to dump everything on. Which is not to say that you can't rely on other people— sure, from a perspective of secure attachment. You rely on them from a healthy space, knowing that you've got yourself and they can lend a hand. Not that it's their job to take care of you."

Don't Miss a Beat.
Follow my Instagram for news from me, Tara Beckett:
https://www.instagram.com/letperfectburn/

Alyssa Keegan's Work:
https://universalethicallove.com/

Alyssa's Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/therealalyssakeegan/

Original Music for Let Perfect Burn by Eleri Ward
https://www.instagram.com/eleriward/

Transcript

Tara Beckett: 0:22

Hi, I'm Tara Beckett, and I'm honored that you're back. You're listening to let perfect burn. My guest today is Alisa Keegan, who grew up in rural Michigan. Identifying at that time is monogamous, straight and sis. About six years ago, Alyssa began their poly journey, and they came to know their true self, polyamorous, pansexual, queer, kinky and gender nonconforming. When the pandemic hit, and Alyssa lost their acting career, they decided to make a shift and dedicate their life to supporting others who found themselves questioning their identity and relationships later in life. Hello, everyone, welcome back to let perfect burn. Today. I am so pumped to have in studio Alyssa Keegan. They are a professional actor. They are a whole person coach. They work for fresh path, New York, and they have their own website universal, ethical love.com. And they work as a life and relationship coach. Welcome, Alisa. I'm so glad to have you. Tara, we worked so hard on Melissa's introduction, because they do so many cool things. So I think we got it we can move on. Right? Yes, we got totally got it. Awesome. So Alyssa, you know, in what you wrote to me in preparation for this interview, you said that you had a midlife crisis with a twist? And I'd love to start there. Great. Jumping right in?

Alyssa Keegan: 2:05

Yeah. Okay. So who I was then? Yeah, so so we were both in the same theater program together. Although we didn't cross paths that much. I was a musical theater major. And I always struggled and continue to struggle, honestly, in that medium, not because I don't love to sing, and I was even a competitive dancer for a time. But the really classic kind of gender roles that I came up with in my education. In musical theater, I was trained that I had to look a certain way I had to sound a certain way. I had to have the cocktail dresses, and and I grew up in really the backwoods of Michigan, and I'm a self proclaimed dirty country kid. And, and I always knew that there was something more to me that wasn't just girly cocktail dress, person Ness. And I think that that really translated into my education. And so I kind of stepped away from musical theater, and delve more into straight theater and plays and built my career on that. Mostly, I spent about 10 years in the DC market working primarily in theater. And then I just recently right before the pandemic, had moved to New York, and had gotten an agent there and had books and TV work. And then the pandemic happened, and anybody who's in the service industry or in the arts, particularly theater knows that we completely lost our livelihood. And at that point in my life, I had already started to explore and transition away from my really conservative Michigan roots of monogamy, sis, heterosexual all of that stuff I kind of started to explore when I began a polyamorous relationship with my with my then husband, who I'm still legally married to but we now consider each other partners not not like husband and wife because also the the gendering of those titles is something that doesn't really jive with us anymore or me anymore. So when the pandemic hit, I was really trying to figure out How I wanted to use this time, you know, we all had our like pandemic, project or a lot of us do. And so I decided to delve into something that I've been really curious about and had started kind of working my way into before the pandemic, which was being a resource. And I thought coaching was what I really wanted to do, but a resource for the community that I was now a part of, which was the ethical non monogamous, polyamorous community, the queer community LGBTQIA plus, and, and during the pandemic really started to also come to terms with my gender nonconformity, my partner's were aware of it and the way that I spoke about it was like, I'm a girl and a boy. But then I really was able to during that time, through the process of becoming a professional coach, getting certifications, getting more education, in neurobiology, the nervous system, relationship structure, the attachment theory, just really came to understand myself a lot more, and realize that it was safe for me to let go of the label of she her hers, and really just embrace. They, they then choose not to define. And that just feels so much more in alignment with who I have always been. So so that's what I did, you know, I went and got all of these certifications because I wanted to do it right. And I really care about people in supporting this community because when I came out as bisexual, and polyamorous, I didn't have a lot of resources, there weren't there was a couple of books like I immediately picked up ethical slut, which a lot of people are familiar with. But I did there weren't a lot of resources. And in the six years that I've been identifying openly as poly it's it's become way more widespread. And there's a lot more information there's a lot more people who are choosing that lifestyle or identity choosing to acknowledge that that's their identity. And I just wanted to be a support system for that. So so now I'm the Acting career is slowly reemerging. And now I've got both of these full time now full time kind of freelance jobs. So I'm very busy as it turns out

Tara Beckett: 7:59

I'm just wondering if you could speak a little bit about where their breaking points along the way?

Alyssa Keegan: 8:05

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I think that the one that I kind of explored prior to our conversation was really accepting the fact that although I was really really good at functioning as a successful confident person, I'm I am a huge part of me I am insecure, and self loathing and wildly anxious and codependent and the part of me that wanted to not be that really ran from that for a long time. And it was a series of circumstances an affair that happened in my marriage becoming poly and having to really face my own codependent system and insecurities and possessiveness and all of that is like work you have to do on your own. And it took a really really long time for me to be okay with saying I'm actually pretty messed up and and really don't like myself. And I'm really good at hiding that or maybe not. I also love myself. Yeah. One part loves myself one part believes in myself, and is always operated with an understanding that if I tried to get something I wanted to get I could do it and another there a part of me that never believes in myself thinks that I am unworthy of every thing I do get. And I think I had to make friends with that part of myself. That was my breaking point was was really hitting the bottom of myself and realizing that I was okay. Actually at the bottom.

Tara Beckett: 10:31

Yeah, I just I got the image of something being unearthed,

Alyssa Keegan: 10:35

for sure.

Tara Beckett: 10:38

Yeah, and so, in going into this profession of this whole person coaching, and in some ways, being able to be a mirror for these people, you've been there, right? What does it look like to be a client of yours?

Alyssa Keegan: 11:02

What does it look like to be a client not sure how to how to express this. But I would say that my clients often think they're coming to me for one thing, and then realize that there's, there's something else entirely that we have to like focus on first. But I do feel like I create space for that process. So you know, really, the reason why I decided to get certified as a whole person coach is that also as a practicing Buddhist for over a decade, I really believe in how we manipulate our life, our environment, our reality, and everyone's reality is different from everyone else's. And every emotion thought environment, social connection, relationship family dynamic that we have, is part of what creates our reality. And the whole person methodology, more or less is not simply goal setting and kind of, you know, just thinking stuff through cognitively it really is about embodying somatic experience understanding more specifically, when we tap into different parts of ourselves different you know, I call it the web of life. So if we're working on your career, and you're like, well I've got a goal in my career, the block might be somewhere in your family or somewhere in relationship structure. And until we start to really identify who the client is authentically in the same way that I had to kind of come to terms with the real me the all of me the good parts the bad parts the perfectionist parts we can't untangle the rest of our life until we do that work and and so really my coaching comes down to helping people understand what secure attachment with themself is but self love we would say that kind of like this new age Western like you know self love but really it's secure attachment to yourself first and really coming to terms with the relationship or the lack thereof that you have with yourself so as a poly person, I have multiple relationships and one of my relationships was really going south and part of that was because I am like an anxious and avoidant person and they called it a disorganized attachment style where basically i i want love I seek connection but the second that I think I'm actually not going to get it I built and I was in this relationship and was really being activated from my anxious space and my partner is you know, more of an avoidant person. So the closer I got, the more I tried to fix the relationship. The further away he ran. And and I started how having panic attacks literally because I didn't know how to be alone. I didn't know how to be without that long term relationship. And, and so I had done a lot of work. And I was I was, you know, in the process of getting this somatic attachment therapy certification, which I just finished. And in January, when I was in this course, and learning all about this and more about attachment theory and my own nervous system, I decided that I needed to kind of take a step back from all of my relationships, and just figure out if I even liked being with me, if I could handle being with me. And the truth is, it was really terrifying. For a couple of weeks, I cried constantly. I hugged myself, I rocked myself, I tapped on my solar plexus, I did all of these things to allow the pain of sitting with myself, and no one else to emerge. And then let it pass and realize that I was okay. And I would do that again. And again and again. Until at some point, it just started getting a little bit easier. And then as it got easier, my nervous system would relax more and more often. And then I started to really enjoy turning to myself. Because what I had practiced doing was proving to my body that I was going to show up and take care of it. I was going to sit with the parts of myself, the little parts of myself, the defensive parts of myself and say, you're all welcome here. You can trust me, I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not going to try and pawn off this work on somebody else. This secure attachment work is only really, in the last since January, I think I had started to my education and attachment theory and stuff had had me starting to, like build the idea of what I needed to do for probably about a year. But it wasn't until January that that this relationship was falling apart that you know, the pandemic had just been so much and I was so overwhelmed with so much stuff that I just needed to break down. Yes. And face it. So yeah, it was it's really kind of spin in the last, you know, four months.

Tara Beckett: 18:05

And do you see do you see a change in how you mother with the work you've done?

Alyssa Keegan: 18:14

Um, yeah. I mean, although that's that's been a process that that's been ongoing. But yeah, that's a really interesting that's a really interesting thing to think about. Because yes, I have I you know, really definitely think about him and look at him and think how much am I messing you up? Is it just enough to make you interest like interesting, you know, but you're actually going to more or less be okay. And, and so I think that he's so he's our only son. And I think that when I had him I was very fearful about the world suddenly, and I had never loved anything so much. And, and any kind of pain that he would go through or that any child would go through if I if I heard a child crying or being dismissed, like in a grocery store, I would be like, Oh my god, so terrible. I just was so raw. And I think for a time, really, in hindsight probably did a lot of helicoptering it didn't want to didn't really agree with that method, but was probably doing it subconsciously a lot. And there is something very important about me finding real autonomy and independence from all of my relationships include Being child's parent. And there's been some kind of great developments in my relationship with him. Because I'm still the parent, I'm still the one that is creating structure and safety, particularly in a non monogamous lifestyle that's really important that you create a foundation of safety and communication with your children in that space, and how much you expose them to. That's a primary concern, and always will be. But beyond that, I've really let him do a lot more of his own thinking. I've allowed him to make a lot of his own choices. And if he makes that choice, and then as bummed about the repercussions, we talked about that. But I'm not trying to do it all for him anymore. And that, quite honestly, that is such a liberating and relaxing sensation to have in my body to be like, I am not responsible for everything I cannot be.

Tara Beckett: 21:27

Yeah, I was gonna say, even when you think you can be or want to be you still aren't. So there's almost this fighting against what's natural.

Alyssa Keegan: 21:38

Yeah, yeah. Because we want to protect them from everything, we want to create such an incredible structure for them, but, but ultimately, eventually, they're going to realize that, that they're not always going to have that structure, they're not always going to have somebody who's going to show up for them at some point in their development, and they, they have that what like that, you know, kick them out of the nest thing, but I'd rather not kick him out of the nest, I'd rather show him slowly. Passion, kind of a broader spectrum of the world. So that he's not shocked when he leaves home and realizes that everybody isn't going to be at his beck and call that doesn't like the things that he likes, and that's okay. You know, that everybody's gonna have their own agenda. They're not thinking about him. And, you know, he's only seven. So, you know, we, we do that in a seven year old version, you know. But yeah, I think he always likes to run one way to the car, and he wants me to run another way. He's like, Mom, you go this way. And I'm gonna go this way. And I'm like, and I always tell him, I was like, I'm gonna go the way that I want to go, you go ahead and go the way you want to go. Yeah, that's the car.

Tara Beckett: 22:55

Oh, my son is also seven. They could play. They could go. Alice, I'm wondering if you would like to speak to just what it was like for you, as you know, maybe that seven year old growing up and how that influenced your journey?

Alyssa Keegan: 23:22

Yeah. Yeah, so it took me quite a while probably to my mid to late 20s. To actually become aware enough, having been out of the house, getting away from Michigan, going to school, working professionally, to realize that I grew up in an abusive household. My father was undiagnosed bipolar most of my childhood. And and so the erratic and violent nature to which I grew up where spanking was the, you know, the form of punishment when you when you did something wrong. I didn't realize that we weren't being spanked, we were being beaten. And that we weren't being hit by a person who was and I personally don't condone spanking at all. But I know that that is a thing that is still up for debate in the wider world. But I don't think that it is necessary to lay your hands on a child and that way. But at the time, I thought it was just the way things were. And it wasn't until I got older that I realized that even people who were were spanked as kids, their experience of it was that their parent was very calm, they got a whack. They were told why, and then they went on their way. And that was not the case with me. I was chased down and held down and and I really had to wrestle with the fact that, that as a bipolar parent, he was the best parent in the world when he was up. And he was violent and abusive when he was down. And so I, I loved him deeply, and saw his excitement and his attention. And then he would turn into a monster. And, and so my, as I said, previously, my kind of disorganized attachment is really connected to my father, my relationship with my father, specifically, that like, trust in love in somebody who take care of me. And they would, they would like, if I did something totally mundane. If my dad thought it was exciting, he would throw a parade, you know, he would just shout to the rooftops and still does, how amazing I am, the most incredible thing he ever did in his life was had these amazing kids. And then he would have this other part of himself, where he was gone, the person that I that through the parade was no longer present. And in my adult life, what I had to kind of come to terms with was one that I did, in fact, grow up in an abusive household. And just because we had a roof over our head and food every night, and I didn't walk around with broken bones or bruises, mostly. We were still in a really emotionally and physically abusive space. And and that he couldn't help it. You know, you you asked in. One of the questions was, if I could sit down and have coffee with somebody Rasma Manickam, Manickam Rasma. Manickam is this incredible therapist, and he really works on intergenerational intergenerational trauma and how it is held in the body. And I really feel like my father's experience with an alcoholic father and a mother who passed away when he was 15, from basically meant, like medical malpractice. He had all of his trauma, and then just generations and generations of trauma in his body that he had never had resolved. And so he blew all of that trauma into myself and my siblings. And he couldn't really help it because he didn't know. Right. And he has done a great deal of work. I'm very happy to say that the father, who through the parades for me is primarily the grandfather, that that he is to my son, and to my nieces and nephew. He's wonderful. He's showing up in his present and is healthy in a way that he wasn't for us. Right. And he recognizes that and we've had we've had to have conversations, real, real serious conversations about that trauma in order to feel safe enough to have these deeper connections with grandkids and with us again.

Tara Beckett: 29:17

think we've touched a little bit on it, but I'd like to just go into it a little bit more, which is, you know, your work as a whole person coach. How would you sum it up that how are you making those people's lives better?

Alyssa Keegan: 29:40

I think the more I work, and the more I refine and the more I draw certain types of clients to myself. Really what continues to come up more and more is how little people are connected to their body, how little they actually know about their body and what it's telling them. And getting quiet. And listening from a body perspective. And letting the mind relax for a time is so informative, particularly when it comes to issues of insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, because whether you're a client who is coming to me, because you're in a monogamous structure, or a consensually non monogamous structure, the foundation of every healthy relationship comes back to that relationship with yourself. And the world is a noisy place. And we operate so consistently from a cerebral space. That it's often hard for people to even know that there is sensation happening in the body. But the truth is that the nervous system, the autonomic nervous system is always taking in information is always assessing Is this safe is this dangerous? The environment, the person next to you any anything that's happening where your heart goes up, or you feel like a fluttery in your stomach, all of that is your body, that's not your cognitive brain, and helping teach my clients even from a scientific perspective, that the oldest part of our brain is like rooted in that nervous system. And understanding that and being able to listen to that more really helps us uncover these parts of ourselves that need attention, that we cognitively don't necessarily understand why am I getting so upset by this? And if you can sit with that, and realize that that's just a part of you that is worried for you, and is trying to protect you? And where do you feel that in your body, you can start to assess and sense a whole new language that is available to you in your daily life that you can tap into for wisdom and understanding about a moment that you cognitively may not be able to figure out?

Tara Beckett: 32:50

Yeah, and I'm just trying to sort of get a really clear picture. But do you find that all parties come to you as a client? Or is it one part of either monogamous or non monogamous relationship that saying, I'm struggling? Let me see what truth I can find? Or do you have both? I do work

Alyssa Keegan: 33:12

with couples, though, it usually is a one on one experience, even if I'm working with two people that eventually will come together. The journey, and my coaching methodology is so specific to the individual, that a lot of times you can't do the work in tandem with your partner right away. And, and, you know, if your partner is unwilling, if one partner is unwilling, or is just not interested and doesn't think that they need it, and the other person is doing this work, it will begin to become imbalanced. And part of what my client will see in that space, is the struggle with realizing that this relationship is not supportive. And that there has to be some kind of choice on the client's part because they cannot make their partner do anything they don't want to do. And I'm a real advocate for that.

Unknown: 34:17

Absolutely. You can only do

Alyssa Keegan: 34:19

what you can do. So what do you need? What are your boundaries? What are the ways in which you feel like you are not having your needs met? And how can you actively change make that happen for yourself? Find ways through that without making it your partner's responsibility. And sometimes the realization is that partnership actually has run its course. And those people need to separate or there is a realization on the partner that's not engaged. That actually something really important is happening for their partner, and they see it at a distance and realize, maybe there's something to that. And then they come closer, because the more their other partner is focusing on themselves and not trying to get something from the other person necessarily at first, they kind of the pressure comes off of that other person a little bit and they go, Wait a minute, maybe I can lean in a little bit. So I do find that my clients tend to do an individual track

Tara Beckett: 35:37

into to wrap up for today, what is let perfect burn for you.

Alyssa Keegan: 35:50

I wrote this really beautiful answer to that question. And I was thinking about that. While I was preparing for today, and it occurred to me that like, that was true the day that I wrote it. True, and today is a different day. Yes. And the truth is that perfect is a part of me. Perfect is a helpful part of me. But it is not the part that should always be leading. And so letting perfect burn, rather than it being something to get rid of to disintegrate. I wonder if it's something like a tool. Use when necessary, with consciousness and deliberate agency. And I think that the idea of being a perfectionist can be so profound that there is this element of needing to burn that identity, that wholeness that you are just this thing. And if you are not this perfect thing, then you are a failure that we can burn. Yes. But the part the part that that operates, that perfectionist in me is really just a part that's worried for me that wants to be helpful, wants me to succeed is worried that I will fail. And is saying to me these things, sometimes helpful sometimes not. Because it's just worried and wants to help and is trying to get me to do something. So if I know that and can hear it and go, You know what, perfection. You're right on the money. We're going to do that thing. That's a great idea. Then I'm gonna listen. But if perfection is like you didn't get that thing done, you didn't hit that mark there, you didn't get the agenda, blah, blah, blah, Don, you must be a terrible person. And be like, You know what, I actually think I'm gonna like, Thank you for your opinions. I appreciate your perspective. I'm gonna let that be there. And I'm gonna go over here.

Tara Beckett: 38:45

Yes, yes. I love that. Like it can be a little piece and we can have compassion for all the little pieces. But kind of letting it run roughshod. No, thanks.

Alyssa Keegan: 38:57

No, thank you. Not anymore.

Tara Beckett: 38:59

No way. Well, Alyssa, thank you so much for being on. And you know, everyone can in the show notes. Find out where to find Alyssa. And thank you so much.

Alyssa Keegan: 39:12

Thank you. Bye